The Secret to Saving Your Relationship: Eight Essential Lessons from a Couples Therapist

Couples therapy offers insights built on years of experience, revealing the complex dynamics and unique challenges relationships face. The ideal therapist is someone you’d feel comfortable being completely open with—someone who is empathetic, perceptive, and uncompromising in their approach to understanding you and your partner without judgment.

After tens of thousands of hours with couples since the 1980s, therapists have encountered every type of relationship, from those with explosive conflicts and “doll’s house” behaviors—where partners break things in frustration—to those who never suspected they had any issues until suddenly confronted with them. Sessions are often held weekly or biweekly, and therapy continues for as long as it takes to work through these issues.

Interestingly, more millennials and younger couples are seeking therapy earlier in their relationships, at stages where previous generations might have opted to separate. This proactive approach highlights a growing openness to relationship work, and it’s been further encouraged by media coverage, like documentaries that give a transparent look at the therapy process.

Modern therapists now approach sessions with a more interactive style, openly discussing problems in direct and relatable ways. This shift has replaced older, more rigid techniques, acknowledging that relationships are deeply shaped by each person’s interactions, experiences, and even the influences—or absences—of other significant people in their lives.

In the past, popular relationship theories, like John Gottman’s “four horsemen” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling), sought to predict breakups based on these red flags. However, many therapists today view such behaviors as natural defenses or responses that can occur within a healthy relationship context. Instead of viewing these as deal-breakers, they work to trace these patterns back to their roots in the couple’s shared history and even further, uncovering their personal significance to each individual.

While hard-and-fast rules are rare in relationships, certain foundational truths can foster lasting happiness. Here’s a list of eight essential insights, grounded in decades of experience, to help create a fulfilling relationship.

It’s Healthy to Argue

When couples avoid conflict altogether, it’s often because underlying issues have been pushed aside. Once these issues come to light, there’s frequently a lot of emotion and unresolved tension that has been smoothed over for the sake of harmony. Avoiding any disagreements can hinder true intimacy, as each partner isn’t fully revealing themselves. In some cases, conflict-avoidant couples may unconsciously project their buried frustrations onto others—neighbors, friends, or even children, who might start displaying rebellious behavior or acting out. Suppressed tension has a way of emerging, even if indirectly.

Stop Playing the Blame Game

In couples therapy, it’s common for both partners to present grievances as though they’re in a courtroom, looking for a ruling on who’s at fault. However, it’s rarely about one person being entirely “in the right” or “in the wrong”—the dynamic is typically something both partners have contributed to together. For instance, one person may crave closeness while the other seems to pull away, creating a cycle of pursuing and distancing that they reinforce. Rather than finding fault, the goal is to recognize how each partner’s actions contribute to the patterns within the relationship.

Use “I Feel” Statements Instead of “You Always” Accusations

One of the best ways to address conflicts is to speak from your own perspective, using “I feel” statements. This approach allows each partner to express vulnerability rather than resorting to blame. Although it can feel risky to reveal sensitive emotions like fear or sadness, it helps create a more open and understanding conversation. If a topic is particularly tough to discuss, consider expressing that, too—for example, “I feel nervous about bringing this up.” Acknowledging your own discomfort can help set a more compassionate tone.

Consider the Impact of Having Children

Relationship dynamics often stem from patterns and unmet needs carried over from childhood, which partners subconsciously attempt to fulfill through one another. But introducing children changes everything. The arrival of a child often diverts the focus that partners once had for each other, leading to a shift in how needs are met—or, sometimes, left unmet. While the relationship may evolve in new ways, with opportunities to deepen intimacy, it’s essential to be prepared for a profound shift in the relationship that you can’t fully anticipate or control.

Have Sex (or Don’t, But Pay Attention if You Stop)

Many couples experience a nonsexual phase, and while this can be a valid choice, it’s important to recognize the potential risks if the decision is unintentional. For partners in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, and even up to mid-50s, a prolonged lack of intimacy can increase the likelihood of relationship difficulties. Sexual intimacy often fosters closeness, comfort, and release—valuable elements of a thriving partnership. When a couple’s sex life fades, it’s best to address it before anxiety and communication barriers build up over time. Couples who let things slide for decades often find it challenging to reignite the connection.

Avoid Threats of Leaving

The impact of threatening to end a relationship can be surprisingly harmful. These threats can erode the foundation of trust and security that allows partners to work through differences and navigate conflicts. A stable relationship requires a sense of safety and commitment to truly move forward.

Refrain from Labeling Each Other

It’s tempting to categorize partners with terms like “borderline” or “ADHD,” but labeling in adult relationships often causes more harm than help. While diagnostic labels may be necessary for children to access resources, they don’t typically serve the same purpose in adult relationships. Instead of categorizing behaviors, try addressing issues with compassion and curiosity, even if some characteristics—such as anxiety—are more prominent.

Have Courage

Many people enter couples therapy fearing the worst and hoping for comfort, stability, and harmony. The underlying fear is often that therapy will lead to separation, but the goal is deeper than that: it’s about rediscovering individuality within the relationship and examining the dynamics that may be obscuring true understanding. Therapy can involve redefining personal boundaries and clearing up confusions of identity that have built up over time. It requires bravery to embark on this journey, as it may reveal unknown facets of the relationship—whether it ultimately leads to a strengthened connection or a true separation.